Do stay connected and supportive of your children. If you were child-centered before the divorce, DO continue to stay focused on their well-being. If your focus drifting away from your children, and focusing on the conflict with your spouse, then do up your game. Do stay connected with the children’s school (be involved with PTA or extracurricular activities) and medical providers.
Do not fall into negative behavior, (i.e. putting the children in the middle of the fight or disparaging the other parent in front of them). Keep in mind, divorce will be stressful for the children already, without either parent adding to their trauma. So, remind them often it is not their fault and shield the children from the details.
Keep in mind, when the children are put in the middle, it may indirectly be reported to the court through therapists, school counselors, and possibly even minor’s counsel who are sometimes appointed to represent the children in high conflict custody cases. Besides the possible negative effect on your custody case, a bitter divorce will cause your children to have long-term psychological issues that they may or may not ever resolve.
Do not disparage the other parent to the children as it has a terrible psychological effect on children. Children love their parents-both parents. When someone disparages one parent, children quietly internalize this negative information and often believe that if the “parent is bad,” this means that they too are bad.
DO not fall prey to disparaging the other parent or spouse. Remember disparaging remarks get repeated by the children, intentionally or unintentionally, and can get back to the court system. Do not post on social media bad things about your ex, or anything about your divorce. And do not assume anything you post is private. What family law litigants say on social media becomes ammunition for the courtroom. So, consider disabling your social media accounts during this time.
Do not let punishment be your goal. The family law system is not the place to punish your ex. Finally, do not attempt to deal with the stress by abusing alcohol or drugs. But do address the ongoing conflict and turmoil by using therapy, meditation, or exercise to cope.
