a. Though friends & family mean well, their information may be conflicting & outdated.

b. Family Laws & legal guidelines used by the Court change frequently. Thus, acting on bad, incorrect or outdated legal advice can be the worst thing you can do.

c. Make sure that you have a qualified and experienced Family Law Attorney at all times during the process.

2. 2. Failing to Respond to Legal Actions or Missing Court Dates

a. Two thirds of divorces are initiated by women; a divorce may often takes men by surprise, causing them to deny it is occurring or to rationalize that his spouse will change her mind. Unfortunately, in California, most of all divorce filings proceed to final judgment.

b. Failing to respond to a divorce action (or any other family law proceeding) will result in a “default judgment”, meaning that the spouse doing the initial filing may receive everything that the spouse requests in the petition by default.

c. Worse yet, failing to respond to or fight “temporary” orders in ANY Family Law legal action may cost you certain rights pertaining to your case, may cost your children their rights or access to you, and may set a negative precedent. The same applies to missing any court dates.

3. 3. Letting Emotions Get the Best of You/Losing Patience

a. Divorce marks the end of one of the most intimate of relationships. So it is common for emotions to run hot during the process of divorce. Pushing each other’s “buttons” or reacting in anger, especially at the beginning, can escalate a divorce and cost precious time, money and peace of mind.

b. If there are children, do your best NOT to fight in front of them.

c. Admittedly, there is a gender bias in Family Court. Should you find yourself facing a clear bias from a Judge or Mediator, do your best to maintain your composure. Patience and dignity are virtues in Family Law.

4. 4. Disconnecting From Daily Family Life

a. As a parent, keep your child’s best interests at the heart of all decisions and strategies in a divorce. Failure to maintain an active participation in a child’s life, in and out of school, can be a key factor in custody decisions.

b. Don’t move out too soon! One spouse has to move out sooner or later, but unless there is a risk of violence, it is often advisable to delay relocation as long as possible. Moving out too soon may be used as evidence of indifference towards the children during a divorce and it may set a status quo that is not favorable to you.

c. Ask for as much child visitation as possible right at the beginning. Once you move out and proceedings begin it will become much more difficult to share in your child’s schedule.

5. 5. Concealing or Withholding Information From Your Attorney

a. In Family Court it is important to avoid any damage to your credibility. Lying or omitting things such as finances is never a good idea. It is easy to verify a party’s income and expenses. A lie or an omission will probably cause more harm and cost you dearly in the end.

b. Be open & honest with your attorney. If your attorney is aware of a potentially harmful fact, your attorney will be better able to minimize its potential damage.

6. 6. Using Children Against a Spouse

a. During the bitter battles of divorce it is all too common for one parent (usually the mother) to try to obtain sole custody of the children and to severely restrict the visiting rights of the other parent (usually the father). Unfortunately, the motivation usually has nothing to do with any the interests of the children and everything to do with control and even vengeance. Antagonistic parents fail to understand that the ultimate victims of this behavior are the children.

b. Should you find yourself on the receiving end of a power struggle involving your children do your best to PROTECT them by:

i. Not fighting with your spouse in front of them;

ii. Not using them as go-betweens, messengers or spies; and,

iii. Not criticizing your spouse in front of them.

7. 7. Giving Up Too Much

a. On the other side of the emotional coin, some men, become too acquiescent instead of confrontational. Instead of fighting unreasonable demands, they simply give in.

b. The best rule of thumb is: Do not sign any agreement you are not willing to live with or that you are not willing to impose on your children! Family Court often does not care what agreements you make, but only that you ARE in agreement. Once you have signed an agreement it may be almost impossible to change it afterwards.

c. Don’t let your pride get in your way! Men often will waive the spousal support they are entitled to and that is something you cannot afford in this economy.

8. 8. Not Picking Your Battles Wisely

a. Disputes about custody and property are to be expected during a divorce. However, there is a point where these disputes may become irrational and vindictive. Refrain from letting these quarrels become a drain on you emotionally and financially by keeping an objective perspective in your head and a competent attorney by your side.

b. On the other hand, it is also important for a man to resist taking an asset that will lose value (such as a boat) in exchange for one that will increase in value (such as a house) just to get “out”.

9. 9. Skimping on Your Legal Representation

a. The worsening economy has caused more people to attempt to represent themselves during a divorce. If there are few assets to divide and no children to worry about, self representation may be a viable option. “Do It Yourself” (DIY) divorces are becoming more common. However, they may come with a hidden price tag. A man representing himself will often end up hiring a lawyer to repair his mistakes, costing him two or three times what it would have cost him had he sought representation early.

b. If you have issues with custody and assets it is wise to hire representation. However, should you choose to represent yourself, be sure to consult with an attorney to set you on the right path.

1010. Violating Agreements & Orders

a. As previously mentioned, do not sign any agreement you are not willing to live with or that you are not willing to impose on your children! Similarly, do not sign anything you do not intend to fulfill. Once you have signed an agreement you are bound by it.

b. Non-compliance with court orders may result in fines, jail or both. It can also damage your credibility in later proceedings.

Check these links for further reading on DIY Divorce, Using Children as Pawns in a Divorce, how Men & Women Handle the Financials of Divorce Differently and other Father’s Rights and Men’s Rights resource.