We previously discussed preparing for the Family Court Services ("FCS") mediation appointment. Now, lets discuss what you should do during the FCS appointment.

First impressions. Mediators are human beings . . . they will be influenced by their first impression. Present yourself as the parent who puts the "best interest" of the children ahead of your own interest. Avoid making accusations against the other parent that are not related to the children. Focus on why your parenting plan is best for the child(ren), and not more convenient for you. Do not argue with the mediator, avoid interrupting the mediator when he/she is speaking, and try to avoid dominating the session.

Ex-accusations. If the other parent accuses you of "mis-deeds" that are irrelevant to the child’s parenting plan, such as your social life or your new companion, wait for an opening and ask the mediator if you may respond. Then, be guided by the mediator’s response.

Stay focused. Try to stay focused on determining a parenting plan that is in the best interest of the child(ren), not on old "sore sports" experienced in the relationship with the other parent.

Restricting visitation. If you want time with the other parent to be restricted or supervised, be prepared to state reasons for your position. Remember, to limit visitation with the other parent, you must show that some harm would come to the child(ren) while in the other parent’s care.

Financial matters. The mediator is not there to discuss financial matters such as child or spousal support. However, it goes without saying that the custody decision may determine which parent gets temporary use and possession of the family home, and which parent has to pay child support.

Not confidential. The mediator is not a therapist and nothing you or the other parent say at the FCS meeting remains confidential. If child abuse is disclosed during the mediation session, the mediator has a legal obligation to make a report to Child Protective Services.

Physical abuse. If you allege that the other parent physically abused the child(ren), you may want to schedule a separate meeting with the mediator before the meeting begins.

Drug and alcohol abuse. If you allege that the other parent abuses drugs and/or alcohol, you must be prepared to substantiate the allegations. Bring in the criminal convictions and arrests records to support your allegations. These documents should be obtained before you go to the FCS meeting. Once you substantiate the allegations, you can ask the mediator that the abuser submit to monitored random drug testing.

Psychological evaluations. If no agreement is reached and there are serious allegations, or the custody issue is close, the mediator may recommend that a psychological evaluation be conducted by an outside psychologist to assist the mediator and the court in deciding the issues of child custody and visitation. These outside psychological evaluations can run between $3,000 to $10,000, and take anywhere between 6 weeks to 6 months. The mediator may also recommend therapy for the child(ren), the parties, parenting classes, and even appointment of an attorney for the child(ren).

Agreement. If you agree to a certain schedule in mediation, it is almost impossible to get out of the agreement later in court. If you do not agree or are uncomfortable with a child custody and visitation plan proposed by the mediator, decline to agree to it. The mediator will try to pressure you to agree to his/her proposed plan by saying that that is what he/she will recommend anyway. Politely advise him/her that you would like to discuss it with your attorney first. However, if you do agree with the mediator’s proposal during the meeting, you will get a chance to review his written recommendation before you attend court, and you can agree to it at the time if you wish to do so. The main thing is do not feel pressured to agree to the mediator’s proposal during the FCS meeting.