This is a true statement: Parents love their children. Just because parents divorce does not mean they do not love their children.

Each parent can provide their children with different help and guidance at various stages in their children’s lives. Mom and Dad "bring different benefits to the party". This is why on-going contact with both parents is essential.

Yes, there are a few exceptions to the rule regarding on-going contact. There are a few parents who are so dysfunctional that they are a clear detriment to their children. However, this is an exception.

In divorce court, the children’s emotional and psychological needs often get clouded out in the warfare between the parents. This is the reality.

The best scenario is when the children are able to be with a parent who is best able to meet the children’s psychological needs at the particular time in the child’s life. The custodial arrangement should be fluid enough to allow a shift in the custodial "child sharing" if, for example, the non-custodial parent is better able to meet the needs of the child in the future. Of course, this does not happen often. Oftentimes, the custody arrangement set up in the judgment remains the custody arrangement throughout the minority of the child, which is until the child reaches 18.

A simple example will illustrate the point: A 4-year old boy may need his mother’s nurturing skills more than his father’s. However, when he reaches 11 or 12 years of age, the opposite may be true. His father, as a role model, may be more important to his emotional development at age 12. Both parents who are sensitive to the child’s needs may realize this.

California law requires that before a custody and visitation order is issued, the parties participate in mediation at Family Court Services. This is the time the parents need to try to iron out a visitation arrangement that will work for them. Unfortunately, the session is often limited to only 1 hour. Therefore, prior communication between the parents on areas of disagreement is important.

All of the psychological studies on children of divorce state that divorce leaves long-term psychological scars that may not heal even over a lifetime. In fact, children of divorced parents tend to repeat the cycle. Both parents need to realize they have a vested interest in co-operating, regarding custody and visitation, for their children’s long-term emotional well-being.

The sense of loss and abandonment in children of divorce is overwhelming. Unfortunately, the parents are all ill equipped to deal with it because they are going through their own pain. A child therapist may be the answer. Several excellent child therapists in the San Diego area are as follows:

Roberta Sly, M.S. MFCC, 9348 Carlton Oaks Boulevard, #42, Santee
Telephone No. (619) 258-8984

Susan Harandon, Ph.D., 8363 La Mesa Boulevard, La Mesa
Telephone No. (619) 462-1611

Yanon Volcani, Ph.D., 1298 Prospect Avenue, La Jolla
Telephone No. (858) 459-5557